At Mass when I was a kid we said, “I am not worthy. I am not worthy. I am not worthy.” Without realizing it, I learned shame and self-hate. I maintained a low level depression throughout much of my youth. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Even today at my lowest moments I hear the words, “I am sorry I’m not good enough.”
Immediately, I catch myself and yell “Stop!” I cannot afford to deny myself. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to God. When I deny myself I deny God.  God needs me. This all powerful omniscient being needs me in order to express on earth. What a kick that is!
I had thought that my life was about pleasing God (or at least trying to earn her approval) but that basically She was ill-tempered and irascible. I thought I was meant to work and strive and suffer until I could squeeze a blessing from her. I used my brain to devise beneficial deeds that would justify a spot in her good graces.
Now I see that thinking and creating worthwhile projects and doing good works is another way to deny God. When I rely upon my head and make decisions based upon my thoughts, I make my brain God. Whatever is the basis for our decisions is our God.
When I want to know God and hear from God, I maintain silence and I wait. I imagine that God lives inside me in my very center as a tiny flame. I can breathe into that center space and pay attention and listen and, thus, I allow God. God is. When I pay attention I experience God. That experience is momentary. I don’t know in advance what I will find.  I say, “I am available” and then I wait and I pay attention and I allow.
God moves in me and through me. God is a verb. In the first part of my life God was a judge and a critic. Now God is creativity and passion and involvement. God moves and I don’t know why or how or when. My job is to pay attention and try to keep up. I follow as I’m led. I sit in the back seat and appreciate the perfection of each moment. I’m not driving the car and I don’t know where I’m going. And isn’t that exciting?!
My spiritual life is an adventure. No one has ever lived my life and no one else ever will. There isn’t a right way to be me. Now, in the second half of life, I allow God to peek through and speak through me. I remember that wherever I am, God is. And I allow.
Ruth Cherry, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice in San Luis Obispo, CA.  Her specialty is midlife when psychological and spiritual dynamics merge. The power of the unconscious at midlife to heal and to transform is tapped in meditation. Besides writing about meditation, Ruth leads guided meditation groups weekly. Her five books and guided meditation CD are available at her web site, midlifepsychology.com.